Happy and Thankful.

Today I am feeling much better. I had very good reassurance from a very good friend. I am so thankful to have such great friends that are there when I need them.

Feeling down and unworthy today

I feel like I let my son down everyday. I am not a good teacher to him or a good playmate. I have to make myself get off my butt to entertain him, feed, him, change his diaper. He is almost 2 and half, and not potty trained and only has a handful of words. Other kids his age are saying 3-4 word sentences. We are luck to get two words out of him a day. I take most responsibility for his failure. I was 20 when I got pregnant. I only stopped taking my bc because I am very impressionable and my fiance had convinced that bc stops what really is suppose to be. He was 25 and really wanted a child. Even though we were pretty broke and only working part time job hardly paying more than minmum wage. I was to young to have a child. I was not ready in any way. I wish I could have had more time with just me and m husband. We been together for 2 years when our son was born. The 9 months of pregnancy made that time of our relationship rough. I am jealous of ht love he has for our son, that I haven't felt I've been getting. My husband plays with our son better, reprimands him better, and loves him more. I have been trying to get approved for assistance to get our little one in day care so I can work more. I have been on this waiting list, that they told me would take 4-6 weeks, for 6 MONTHS. I feel that if he goes to day care he will learn better than I can teach him, I will have more time to myself, and I will enjoy the time I do have him him a whole lot more. Not having him in day care puts a cramp on our work hours. Niether me or myhusband is working enough to provide out needs and wants. Sure I needs are met, but what about our entertainment? Our wants? I wasn't spoiled as a child, my parents did have a lot of money, but they made sure I didn't go without. I had every modern convience of a teenager and new clothes most every season.
Now we are without cell phones, and I am wearing all the same clothes every season. Our car sucks and we can't afford to keep it up, like oil changes and new tires.
We talk about our future and the house we wish to build someday. It just seems so far out of reach. I will graduate next May. But i can not get a job anywhere in the industry I am looking in our small town. I will have an Associates degree for hospitality management. I hope to be a General MAnager of a hotel with 5-200 rooms. The newest hotel built in our town had openeins and I didn't even get an interview, with all the classes I have taken and experiences I have in customer service, I should have gotten an interview.
Of course I love my beautiful son and I enjoy the smiles and laughter he brings into my life. But I feel I would have been a much more attentive mother in another couple years. I just keep waiting for the good things to happen to us.